Those People

With the introduction of the new iPad (now with wings!), Those People are coming out of the woodwork. You know Those People. The friends, coworkers and sometimes perfect strangers who implore you in all seriousness to buy one today, because it will change your world forever. The ones who profess special knowledge. They confidently announce that this device will sound the death knell of (pick one) all laptops, all e-book readers, all electronics not called iPad. When someone makes a cogent, considered argument as to why it's a good device to have, as my friend Ericka did here, I can respect that. It's not just blind obedience. She sat down and thought about how pet owners could use the thing. It's the uncritical, noisy squee I have issues with. I've noticed this is a phenomenon endemic to Apple devotees. Have you ever heard the owner of a new hair dryer announce that from this day forward, all other similar devices are obsolete because hers is so amazingly adept at drying hair that it will corner the market? No. Have you ever heard the owner of a new car proclaim their vehicle to be the greatest conveyance of all time, and that you should go out and get what they drive, as they have now seen the light and know for a dead certainty that your car will go the way of the horse and buggy? No, of course not. (unless you are actually driving a horse and buggy, in which case they have a good point)

However, the day of Steve Jobs' press conference introducing what for all intents and purposes is little more than an oversized iTouch (an iPhone without the phone), I had multiple friends tell me in all seriousness that "as of today, all laptops, netbooks and Kindles are dead and gone. Game over." Mind you, they hadn't actually held one in their own hands, much less tested the thing. But they felt confident in their proclamation. Based on what? Saint Jobs stood on a stage and said it would, so that's good enough for them. This hardly qualifies as critical thinking, kids.

Here is where I point out that I like Apple products just fine. I own not one but two iPods (both gifts), and I enjoy using them. They're great on long plane rides, especially with noise-cancelling headphones -- not made by Apple, sorry. Countless friends and family members own iPhones and MacBooks. It isn't the machines I have trouble with, but that strange, bizarrely vocal (and I must say small) subset of users who not only believe their Apple products are the greatest thing since Elvis, but feel the need to tell me that if *I* don't get one, I will not be saved. They're the gadget version of Jehovah's Witnesses, only in some cases less polite.

Apple makes great stuff, but the iPhone didn't render all competitive cellphone technology obsolete, did it? The MacBook didn't destroy the laptop market, did it? The iPad is a gadget, ladies and gentlemen. It won't rid you of the heartbreak of psoriasis, it won't curtail global warming, it won't cure cancer, it won't make Sarah Palin grow a brain, and it won't magically allow Teabaggers to use proper grammar, much less spell past the level of a fifth grader.

For the past two months I've been enjoying a terrific new smartphone (the Motorola Droid from Verizon, over there on the right). I love using it, but I'm not insisting you go out and buy one today. That would be presumptuous of me, and I don't have any emotional investment in what kind of cellphone you use. I like what I have. You like what you have. It's all good. So if you're getting (or already have) an iPad, I'm happy for you. Enjoy it in good health, after the bugs get worked out. Just please don't preach to the world that it's the greatest thing since this, ok? Thanks. The rest of society appreciates that you're enjoying your new toy. Quietly.

photo credit: iPad photo, courtesy of flickr (d!zzy), Teabonics photo courtesy of flickr (Pargon). Droid photo, blahblahginger.