Explaining the 2012 Republican "Presidential" field

Notice the title of this post employs quotes. There are a bunch of white guys running to replace Barack Obama. There used to be a woman from Minnesota and an African American dude from Pizzaland, but they dropped out already. Now it's back to what Republicans love best - rich white guys. Do you have trouble keeping them straight? That's why I'm here. The New Hampshire primary is almost upon us. That's followed by South Carolina, Florida, then Nevada and Maine, yadda yadda yadda. For loyal readers who can't make heads or tails of the riff or the raff, what follows should help cut through the fog, hot air and froth (after all, Rick Santorum is still in the race).

We'll go from the bottom of the polls to the top.

Jon Huntsman: What? You've never heard of Jon Huntsman? That's because you don't live in either Utah or China. He's big in China. He used to be the U.S. Ambassador to China. Great, right? The man's got foreign policy chops, doesn't he? Why yes, yes he does. Ambassador Huntsman has more impressive foreign policy credentials than the rest of the Republican field combined. Only one problem: he was our Ambassador to China from 2009 to 2011. You don't see why that's a problem, do you? Think a minute. Who would his boss have been? Yesiree. Huntsman worked in the Obama Administration. As far as hardcore Republican voters are concerned, that doesn't just make him damaged goods, it damn near makes him the chief toady to the antiChrist. Huntsman is also the former Governor of Utah (and yes, one of two Mormons in the field). Apart from his former boss, his conservative bona fides are unassailable  Having worked for The Dread Pirate Obama is not his biggest problem, though. Huntsman's real failing is he's a perfectly reasonable guy. He doesn't foam at the mouth, he doesn't like to offend people, he's incapable of right wing bluster and he isn't prone to saying outrageous things. Well ok, that isn't entirely true. He managed to insult the entire state of Iowa last week when he was trying to compliment New Hampshire. The Boston Globe is endorsing him for GOP nominee, partly because he's the only one in the field who doesn't make you want to put a gun in your mouth, and most importantly because he's not named Mitt Romney. Voters find Huntsman boring. They like to be entertained, and he's not fitting the bill. Ambassador Huntsman has the same chance of winning the GOP nomination as I have of being appointed manager of the New York Yankees. Pity. I'd love to see a debate pitting him against President Obama. I think he'd open a lot of eyes and elevate the discussion. Won't happen, though.
Odds of nomination: less than 1%.

Rick Perry: What do they put in the water in the Texas Statehouse? First George W, (Shrub the Decider) Bush and now Rick Perry serving as governor of Texas? What is the deal with people down there? Perry led the GOP field in Iowa for the amount of time it takes to buy a cup of coffee. Then he got up on stage and started to speak. The man makes Obama's predecessor look eloquent. Remember this?


He pretty much became a national punch line after that. In Iowa this week Perry polled around 10% and finished in fifth place. Normally, that's enough to eliminate you, but the day after Iowa, Michelle Bachmann dropped out of the race. Perry immediately announced he was staying in, because he wanted to be the go-to candidate for voters who are completely batshit howl at the moon nuts. Don't laugh. There are a lot of those votes out there to be had. You ever been to Texas?
Odds of nomination: 3%

Newt Gingrich: Who says there are no second acts in American life anymore? Ol' Newtie is on his fifth. For ten minutes, he was the front runner in Iowa, until someone said out loud "Holy shit, THAT Newt Gingrich? The blowhard asshole who used to be Speaker of the House? Didn't he once leave his wife for another woman when his wife was undergoing chemotherapy? Oh my god, he's back? How did that happen?"  That wife-leaving thing also took place while Newt was trying hard to impeach Bill Clinton in the aftermath of the Lewinsky affair. I love irony, don't you? In all fairness, Newt is the smartest man in the Republican field. If you don't believe me, just ask Newt. He'll be happy to tell you how smart he is. That's really all he does all day long. "Hi, I'm Newt Gingrich, and I'm smarter than you, and smarter than anyone you know." Nobody likes Newt. The man is a nasty piece of work, and he has been since he first entered Congress more than 30 years ago. In the past year, his entire campaign staff abandoned him. Twice. Newt can't win. He knows this, but he refuses to abandon the race. Say what you will about Newt, but one of his lifelong defining characteristics is that he's a spiteful sonofabitch. The only person he hates more than a Democrat with a good point is Mitt Romney. He dislikes Romney for two reasons. First, Romney is winning. Secondly, Romney's sanctimonious, holier than thou manner prohibits him from being openly nasty to anyone. Newt hates that. Newt likes venom. He's only happy when he's making people cringe, and Romney won't give him the satisfaction. So Gingrich has a new mission: do everything he possibly can to destroy Romney, even if that means the GOP has no nominee at all and Obama waltzes to a second term unopposed. In effect, Newt Gingrich is the most loyal Democrat in America. If you want to contribute to the Newt Gingrich for President campaign, please click here,
Odds of nomination: 4%.

Ron Paul: He's your great uncle. The guy you see a couple times a year, plus weddings and the odd anniversary party. The kids love him because he sneaks them shots of Jack Daniels and regales them with stories of how he yelled at Paul McCartney at 5th Ave and West 56th Street in Manhattan in 1968 to cut his hair, and how McCartney gave him the finger. He worries you because midway through the appetizer course he starts in on how we'd all be in better shape if we returned to the gold standard, and how all substances, no matter how harmful, should be legalized, and how the country started going to hell when they allowed the blacks to vote, restaurants should be able to turn people away based on their race, and how people should have the right to beat their kids if they act up, because that's what the world was like when he was a kid, and he turned out ok, right? Ron Paul is a true blue Libertarian, and in many ways is the purest Republican in the field. You should have the right to anything you want. ANYTHING. And the government shouldn't have any say, because the natural state of affairs is the most natural, and the best. One absolute, inarguable truth about Ron Paul: he's consistent. What he's been saying in the past month is nearly indistinguishable from what he was saying in the 1970's. The problem is that it was just as ludicrous then as it is today. He doesn't want to run a government, he wants to destroy it and create a state of chaos, so things can just sort themselves out as they will. Thank God Ron Paul wasn't President during Katrina. He would have made George W. Bush's response look herculean and merciful. Paul's supporters are blindly supportive, but if you ask them why, they'll say "because he's different. He's not like everyone else." Yes, rotten fish is different too, but that doesn't mean I'm going to serve it for dinner, and I'm sure not going to vote for it.
Odds of nomination: 7%

Rick Santorum: Everything that's wrong in the country can be traced to our giving rights to The Gays. He'd be the first to tell you the Bible should be taken literally, and should replace the Constitution as the country's owner's manual. Not metaphorically. For real. Christian Evangelicals see him as the only choice now that Michelle Bachmann has been returned to her padded cell in Minnesota, you betcha. Santorum has compared homosexuality to bestiality and incest. We're not just talking opposition to Roe V Wade. Santorum thinks it would be perfectly okey dokey for states to ban birth control, and sodomy (of course). Really hysterical for a guy who screams bloody murder about intrusive government overreach. And abortion is always wrong. Except when it matters to him. Does Santorum have a foreign policy platform? Why of course he does! He believes there's no such thing as a Palestinian. And then there's his frothy Google problem. If Santorum was nominated, I'm not sure he'd carry a single state. What happened in Iowa Tuesday night told you everything you need to know about how conservative Iowa Republicans are. More importantly, it exposed how much Republicans really don't like Mitt Romney. Nine fewer Iowans profess their fealty for Romney and Santorum wins. Tuesday was a great night....for Barack Obama.
Odds of nomination: 10%

Willard (Mitt) Romney: Ten years ago, he saved the Salt Lake City Olympics. After that, he spit the bit as Governor of Massachusetts. Willard insisted he was a regular guy, then set out to show that he meant he was a regular chameleon. He said he respected the culture of the Commonwealth, and immediately proposed a law to ban same sex marriage. That didn't go over well. He was the business genius, except on his watch there was a disquieting series of companies being sold and/or sending their headquarters out of state. The most galling of those losses was Gillette's sale to Proctor & Gamble (based in Cincinnati). The biggest ongoing news story in the state while Romney was in office was the famed Big Dig Tunnel Project. Romney wanted absolutely nothing to do with it, since it was a federal construction venture. That is, until a ceiling panel failed in a tunnel and a woman riding in a car to the airport was killed. At that point, Romney insisted he was going to be the adult and take control. Did he accomplish anything? No, not really, but he did succeed in complicating an already thorny situation by sticking his nose where it didn't belong, and where he had no jurisdiction. Soon after, Willard grew bored, and decided he wanted to run for President (the first time). He abandoned his office and started roaming the country giving speeches. Nearly all of these speeches featured punch lines about how terrible his "home" state was and how happy he was to be in (pick one) South Carolina, Iowa, etc. He has been nearly living in Iowa and New Hampshire for the past five years. With all that, he came within eight votes of losing the Iowa Caucuses - to Rick (Frothy Mix) Santorum!! Republicans can't warm up to Romney because he's as likable as a toaster and as trustworthy as your average politician. He was uncomfortably pro-choice when he was Governor of Massachusetts but strongly pro-life everywhere else. I'd like to set the record straight about the health care initiative he signed into law when he was governor. He didn't write the law. He barely even negotiated it. He did support it, however, because it was passed by the legislature and favored by the electorate. A veto would have been political suicide, and while Willard may not be regular, he's not stupid, either. The truth is, it was good policy. It didn't come close to containing costs, but it's hard to run away from a bill he is on record as wanting passed (and signed into law). The health care law expanded insurance availability and improved the quality of life in the state. I don't see how that's a bad thing. That said, I didn't vote for Romney when he ran for Governor, and I wouldn't vote for him if he ran again. He did a terrible job running one state when he had the chance, and for all intents and purposes, he quit partway through. You could say he pulled a Palin, without the bother of a formal resignation. What evidence is there that he would do a better job being president of all fifty states? Republicans don't like him and don't trust him. Religious conservatives complain that they can't support him because he's not a Christian. That's terribly unfair. They should refuse to support him because he's a two (or three) -faced liar who will say whatever he has to, based on whatever audience is in front of him at the time. Willard would be comfortable quoting Groucho Marx. "These are my principles. If you don't like them, well, I have others."
Odds of nomination: 75%

So okay, for everyone (read: Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity and all the other Fox News nitwits) who insists that Obama is a failed President, if that's true, then how come this field is the best you can do to try to unseat him? Are you waiting for Sarah Palin to ride to the rescue? Are you waiting for Ronald Reagan to return from the dead? Mitt Romney? That's the best you got? Really? Good luck with that. If Willard is your best hope, I'd say you're not trying very hard.

All that said, there's a reason I'm not quite yet booking my tickets for the second inaugural next year. It's called Citizen's United. Because of the wrongheaded and poorly reasoned Supreme Court decision, untold invisible tens of millions of dollars will flow to the conservative side of the election (most likely Romney). They'll have a nearly unlimited budget to spread any vicious lies and distortions they like, and paint the election in terms that will create a false dichotomy and fool people into making the wrong choice for the wrong reasons. Just because the Republican field is more laughable than the concept of a book written by Snooki doesn't mean that the election won't end up being far closer than it should be. Just don't try to tell me that you think any of the bozos above actually deserves to put his hand on the bible and take the oath of office next year.